you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
