Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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