is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
