i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
