He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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