there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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