dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
