he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
