I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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