dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
