A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
