Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
