My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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