she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
