my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
