Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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