I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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