I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
