I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
