The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I did not marry a roomba.
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