dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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