I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
