Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
