I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
