She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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