Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
