Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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