i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
