Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
