the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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