I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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