Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
