All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I wish there were birth control emojis
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
