The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
