She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You ate ashes out of my bong
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
