Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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