What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
