My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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