Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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