i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
