I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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