Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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