The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i now understand why vodka
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
