I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
