Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
