I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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