If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
