I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
