I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
