Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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