Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
