it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
