It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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